Flip the Sexual Script: Talking about Desire

This is a follow-up piece to my blog “Sexual Desire as We Age”.

Getting Out of Your Sexual Rut

For many adults who would like to remain sexual into their later years, expanding the script is an important yet complicated task. We get into ruts for good reasons because they generally work! But when they don’t, that’s when we have to try something new. You know the adage: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. It may not be true for you. Think about how many new things you’ve had to learn as you’ve aged. Texting. Social media. Cell phones. TV remotes. It’s often a struggle but we keep trying to learn and adapt. 

That’s what I’m suggesting about changing your sexual script. Think about what still works for your body and what doesn’t and go from there. Penetration and orgasms can be difficult to achieve as we age. If that’s the case for you (and not all of our bodies have the same challenges), you are not alone. Why not take penetration and orgasm off the agenda? This could expand your experience and open new doors to pleasure.

Any kind of sexual expression that gives you pleasure without penetration is what we call outercourse. What does that mean? Just use your imagination and you’ll come up with a whole variety of ways to create pleasure.  When you go beyond penetration and orgasm, you’ll be opening up new doors to new discoveries and joy.

What if One of You Wants to be Intimate but the Other Doesn’t?

If only one of you wants sex and the other doesn’t, there are many factors that might lead you to this point. If any of these are true for you, you are not alone. But it need not keep you from creating pleasure at any age.

• Perhaps you are in a relationship where the power dynamics are such that you don’t feel you have any control of your sexual life with your partner.
• Perhaps the sex you have with your partner is not that good for you but you don’t know how to change that.

Perhaps, as you’ve aged, you feel undesirable and self-conscious about your changing body.

If you’re in a relationship where you feel that you have no control, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

Communication is Key When Talking About Desire

As difficult as it might be, you’ll need to have some conversations. First, with yourself, then with your partner. 

1. Close your eyes. Go inside yourself. Notice what is going on for you. Reflect on what you want. Not what they want from you. But what you want for yourself. This kind of intrapersonal conversation is often overlooked. Start with yourself and try to note what you want before you even talk to your partner. It takes compassion so be kind to yourself.
2. Then have some conversations with your partner. Be patient, it may take time. As sex therapist Stephen Duclos says, have conversations vertically, not horizontally, with your clothes on. Start with “I want” or “I need” rather than “you should” or “you need to.” State your desires and then listen to what your partner wants. It takes courage to have honest conversations about sex, so be respectful.
3. As sex therapist Hani Miletski says, you are on the same team. There’s no winner or loser here. People often forget they’re on the same team in a relationship, especially when there’s a difference in desire.

And Remember…

Consent is key. No one is responsible for your sexual pleasure except you. You are the expert of your own body. Expand your sexual repertoire beyond penetration and orgasm. We are all complex human beings so find what works for you in your relationship. And if you’re looking for more ideas or suggestions, please write to me, I love hearing from you all!