Dr. Jane Fleishman
Transforming our Sexual Narratives
Research informs us that older adults are living longer. We are enjoying our longevity. We run marathons. We are involved in creative, academic, and political pursuits. And we know that older adults are having sex well into their 60s, 70s, and 80s. Yet when we view aging in terms of social contexts, some of the sexual challenges we might expect as we age get mixed in with stigmas, misconceptions about what sex is, restrictive gender stereotypes, and ageism. It makes sense why some people shut down and close out intimacy or sexuality as they age. Looking critically at these external and internal barriers, we can transform our own sexual narratives as we age.
Expanding Our Horizons on Sexuality
When I was doing my doctoral research on older adults’ sexuality about ten years ago, I found a gap in research on the pleasures of sexuality as we age. The only articles I found were about dysfunction, difficulties, diseases, and dangers. Nothing positive. Nothing about pleasure.
Recently, an older man came up to me at the end of one of my workshops at a senior center. He said to me, showing vulnerability and candor, “I can’t get an erection any more, so I guess that’s it for sex for me. Right?” On another occasion, an older woman came over to me and said, “I’ve just gone through menopause and my doctor says that sex is not in the cards for me any longer. Is that true?” Each time, I thanked them for their willingness to be vulnerable and to ask these difficult questions. And to each person, I offered a sense of hope that, in fact, sex was still a possibility for each of them. All they needed to do was to expand their definition of sex, which is easier said than done.
How We View Desire
Remember Masters and Johnson? They kind of invented the field of sex therapy back in the 1960s. Their model of human sexual response starts with physical excitement and arousal (genital swelling, lubrication, erection) and leads to plateau, orgasm, and refraction. It was all in the body. In 1979, Helen Singer Kaplan added a new dimension. She found that her clients needed some mental interest or desire before bodily arousal. In 2000, Rosemary Basson, a physician with a focus on sexual medicine, offered a thoroughly different look at sexual response. She found that, for many people, sexual desire is an outcome of physiological arousal. What she meant was that interest in sex doesn’t just come out of nowhere and then lead to physical arousal, there’s got to be something that happens first to get you interested in getting excited and aroused. Her model has significance for long-term couples and older adults. In 2023, psychologists Mersy and Vencill wrote a comprehensive view of desire that takes us a step further.
Here’s the Problem
Can you recall what sex was like when you were younger? Hopping into the backseat of your parents’ car? Just the idea of hopping anywhere may seem completely daunting at this age. Throwing off your clothes any time you felt like it? As we age, having sex with someone without taking needed medications, having the right pillows, and being in a good frame of mind could make it almost completely out of the question.
When I talk with people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, chances are they’ve dealt with these issues themselves. If they’re in a long-term relationship, they’ve experienced differences in sexual desire as they’ve navigated social stressors, whether it be health, finances, work, families, or almost anything. So whatever age you are at today, think about this for your own future. Spontaneous desire may just not work anymore. I want to introduce you to another concept: responsive desire.
Responsive Desire in Older Adults
If spontaneous desire can decrease or even disappear, what else is there? I want to offer you a completely different picture of sexual desire. Responsive desire occurs in response to some type of physical sensation that your body reads as pleasurable. This means that desire might happen after receiving some type of consensual stimulation, not before, as was previously thought. In the movies, sex seems completely spontaneous and people jump into bed with each other almost immediately. But in real life, spontaneous desire may be quite elusive to most older adults. Older adults, like many of our younger counterparts, need something to respond to and we need to have the right conditions.
- Consent. Don’t touch someone without their consent. Period. And don’t let anyone touch you without your consent. Period, stop. Without consent, sexual touch can be painful, traumatic, or coercive. You all have to agree on this, or else it is forced.
- Pleasure–Oriented. The touch has to be focused on pleasure, not obligation. It’s got to feel good on the body (like a foot massage) and it may or may not lead to penetration. Pleasure is important, so you need to check in with your partner to see if it feels good to them. The stimulation could be accompanied with a word, an image, a fantasy, erotica, a piece of music, a smell, or a food the other person associates with sex.
- Focused. If our brains are too busy thinking about the dishes or the game on TV or something else besides the body next to ours, we won’t be able to focus on the touch. We need to stay present to really be part of the moment as it happens.
- Timing. If either of you has any chronic pain or illness, the timing needs to be consistent with you and your partner’s medication schedule. Timing is everything, even with sex, so you both can respond to the stimulation in a pleasurable way.
- Expand How You Define Sex. Expand your definitions of what sex is. If you’ve been used to one position or one type of stimulation for many years, you may not be able to do that due to aches, pains, or other difficulties. Think about other positions and other ways to pleasure yourselves. Go beyond penetration. And don’t let erection or orgasm be your goal. You can do it!
- Viva la Difference. Avoid the one-size fits all approach to sex. It doesn’t work in the shoe store and it certainly doesn’t work when it comes to your sexual life. Be creative!